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Title: Stephen Wright's Questions of Life
Contributed by: unknown
Category: Non-SG1 Jokes

Stephen Wright's "Questions of Life"
* If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
* If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
* When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?
* Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
* How did a fool and his money GET together?
* If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
* How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
* If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
* What's another word for thesaurus?
* Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
* Why is abbreviation such a long word?
* Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
* Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
* How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
* Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
* When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
* Does fuzzy logic tickle?
* Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
* If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
* What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Title: Great Truths and the Four Stages
Contributed by: Bev T
Category: Non-SG1 Jokes

Great Truths and the Four Stages
Contributed by Bev T
Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. You can't trust a dog to watch your food.
5. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.
6. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
7. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned
1. Families are like fudge.mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
2. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
3. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
4. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
5. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.
6. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
7. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
8. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.
The Four Stages of Life
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You become Santa Claus.
4. You start to look like Santa Claus.
I hope that this put a smile on your face. Send this message along to anyone that needs a good laugh and can envision Jell-O sticking to a tree.

Title: Proof That Boys Are Evil
Contributed by: Ma-at
Category: Fairly Clean Jokes, Non-SG1 Jokes

Proof that boys are evil:
First we state that boys require time and money.
"Boys = Time x Money"
And as we all know 'time is money.'
"Time = Money"
Therefore:
"Boys = Money x Money = (Money)2"
And because 'money is the root of all evil';
____
"Money = \/ Evil "
Therefore"
___
"Boys = (\/ Evil)2"
And we are forced to conclude that:
"Boys = Evil"

Title: New Names
Contributed by: Snuffles D Bear
Category: Fairly Clean Jokes, Non-SG1 Jokes

A little something to brighten our day.
Permission to forward:
Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness
to break up the day. here is your dose. Follow the instructions to
find your new name. The following in an excerpt from a children's book,
"Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants," by Dave
Pilkey:
The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names.
Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first
name:
a=poopsie
b=lumpy
c=buttercup
d=gidget
e=crusty
f=greasy
g=fluffy
h=cheeseball
i=chim-chim
j=stinky
k=flunky
l=booger
m=pinky
n=zippy
o=goober
p=doofus
q=slimy
r=loopy
s=snotty
t=lefel
u=dorkey
v=squeezit
w=oprah
x=skipper
y=dinky
z=zsa=zsa.
Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half
of your new last name:
a=diaper
b=toilet
c=giggle
d=burger
e=girdle
f=barf
g=lizard
h=waffle
i=cootie
j=monkey
k=potty
l=liver
m=banana
n=rhino
o=bubble
p=hamster
q=toad
r=gizzard
s=pizza
t=gerbil
u=chicken
v=pickle
w=chuckle
x=tofu
y=gorilla
z=stinker
Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half
of your new last name:
a=head
b=mouth
c=face
d=nose
e=tush
f=breath
g=pants
h=shorts
i=lips
j=honker
k=butt
l=brain
m=tushie
n=chunks
o=hiney
p=biscuits
q=toes
r=buns
s=fanny
t=sniffer
u=sprinkles
v=kisser
w=squirt
x=humperdinck
y=brains
z=juice
DORKEY GIRDLEBUNS, AKA Snuffles D Bear

Title: Quality Control Survey
Contributed by: TamyPooh
Category: Fairly Clean Jokes, Non-SG1 Jokes

Subject: Customer Satisfaction Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and
patronage. In order to better serve your needs, (S)He
asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following questions:
1. How did you find out about your deity?
__ Newspaper
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Koran
__ Television
__ Book of Mormon
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
__ My Mama Done Told Me
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ National Public Radio
__ Tabloid
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model deity did you acquire?
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Krishna
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
__ Allah
__ Satan
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts
in good working order and with no obvious breakage or
missing attributes?
__ Yes
__ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially
encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
__ Not eternal
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Makes mistakes
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people
__ Looks after life other than that on Earth
__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to
acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Needed focus in whom to love
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Wanted to please parents
__ Needed a day away from school or work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like organ music
__ Need to feel morally superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell
__ Objects were falling from the sky
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so,
which false god were you fooled by? Please check all
that apply.
__ Baal
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Radical Right
__ Amon Ra
__ Beelzebub
__ Bill Gates
__ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ The Force
__ Cindy Crawford
__ Elvis
__ A burning shrub
__ Psychiatry
__ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of
inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that
apply.
__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll
__ Biorhythms
__ Alcohol
__ Marijuana
__ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves
__ est
__ Amway
__ CompuServe
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals
__ Human sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Other:_____________________
__ None
7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine
Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt
presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
Circle one below:
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know.
e. What's Divine Intervention?
8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced
level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a
scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the
following (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):
a. Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 Spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
b. Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort
1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the
names an addresses of Her/His followers and devotees
to selected reputedly divine personages who provide
quality services and perform intercessions in His
behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed
offerings?
__ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own
immortal soul
__ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring for
my money
10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions
for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an
additional sheet if necessary.)

Title: Proverbial Chinese Humour
Contributed by: Andi
Category: Non-SG1 Jokes

CHINESE PROVERBS:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Now send it to 10 or more people with in the next 5 minutes! And
good
luck! Nothing will happen but 10 people laughing at these Proverbs!



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