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Title: Bible Pictures
Contributed by: Tamy
Category: Fairly Clean Jokes

Bible Pictures
Daniel asked his students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story, and as he moved around the class, he saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then he came across Teal'c who had drawn an old man driving what looked like a station wagon. In the back seat were two passengers, both apparently naked.
"It's a lovely picture," said Daniel, "but which story does it tell?"
Teal'c seemed surprised at the question. "Does it not say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?"

Title: Thinning Hair
Contributed by: Tamy
Category: Fairly Clean Jokes

Thinning Hair
Daniel says to Jack, "Your hair is getting thinner."
Jack says, "Yeah, but who wants Fat Hair?"

Title: Morals
Contributed by: TamyPooh
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes

Cassie Frasier's teacher gave her class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Cassie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am! Colonel Jack told me this story about my Mom Sam. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete.
So she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the Hell away from Mom Sam when she's been drinking."

Title: Proof That Boys Are Evil
Contributed by: Ma-at
Category: Fairly Clean Jokes, Non-SG1 Jokes

Proof that boys are evil:
First we state that boys require time and money.
"Boys = Time x Money"
And as we all know 'time is money.'
"Time = Money"
Therefore:
"Boys = Money x Money = (Money)2"
And because 'money is the root of all evil';
____
"Money = \/ Evil "
Therefore"
___
"Boys = (\/ Evil)2"
And we are forced to conclude that:
"Boys = Evil"

Title: New Names
Contributed by: Snuffles D Bear
Category: Fairly Clean Jokes, Non-SG1 Jokes

A little something to brighten our day.
Permission to forward:
Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness
to break up the day. here is your dose. Follow the instructions to
find your new name. The following in an excerpt from a children's book,
"Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants," by Dave
Pilkey:
The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names.
Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first
name:
a=poopsie
b=lumpy
c=buttercup
d=gidget
e=crusty
f=greasy
g=fluffy
h=cheeseball
i=chim-chim
j=stinky
k=flunky
l=booger
m=pinky
n=zippy
o=goober
p=doofus
q=slimy
r=loopy
s=snotty
t=lefel
u=dorkey
v=squeezit
w=oprah
x=skipper
y=dinky
z=zsa=zsa.
Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half
of your new last name:
a=diaper
b=toilet
c=giggle
d=burger
e=girdle
f=barf
g=lizard
h=waffle
i=cootie
j=monkey
k=potty
l=liver
m=banana
n=rhino
o=bubble
p=hamster
q=toad
r=gizzard
s=pizza
t=gerbil
u=chicken
v=pickle
w=chuckle
x=tofu
y=gorilla
z=stinker
Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half
of your new last name:
a=head
b=mouth
c=face
d=nose
e=tush
f=breath
g=pants
h=shorts
i=lips
j=honker
k=butt
l=brain
m=tushie
n=chunks
o=hiney
p=biscuits
q=toes
r=buns
s=fanny
t=sniffer
u=sprinkles
v=kisser
w=squirt
x=humperdinck
y=brains
z=juice
DORKEY GIRDLEBUNS, AKA Snuffles D Bear

Title: Quality Control Survey
Contributed by: TamyPooh
Category: Fairly Clean Jokes, Non-SG1 Jokes

Subject: Customer Satisfaction Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and
patronage. In order to better serve your needs, (S)He
asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following questions:
1. How did you find out about your deity?
__ Newspaper
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Koran
__ Television
__ Book of Mormon
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
__ My Mama Done Told Me
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ National Public Radio
__ Tabloid
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model deity did you acquire?
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Krishna
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
__ Allah
__ Satan
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts
in good working order and with no obvious breakage or
missing attributes?
__ Yes
__ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially
encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
__ Not eternal
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Makes mistakes
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people
__ Looks after life other than that on Earth
__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to
acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Needed focus in whom to love
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Wanted to please parents
__ Needed a day away from school or work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like organ music
__ Need to feel morally superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell
__ Objects were falling from the sky
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so,
which false god were you fooled by? Please check all
that apply.
__ Baal
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Radical Right
__ Amon Ra
__ Beelzebub
__ Bill Gates
__ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ The Force
__ Cindy Crawford
__ Elvis
__ A burning shrub
__ Psychiatry
__ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of
inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that
apply.
__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll
__ Biorhythms
__ Alcohol
__ Marijuana
__ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves
__ est
__ Amway
__ CompuServe
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals
__ Human sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Other:_____________________
__ None
7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine
Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt
presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
Circle one below:
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know.
e. What's Divine Intervention?
8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced
level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a
scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the
following (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):
a. Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 Spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
b. Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort
1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the
names an addresses of Her/His followers and devotees
to selected reputedly divine personages who provide
quality services and perform intercessions in His
behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed
offerings?
__ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own
immortal soul
__ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring for
my money
10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions
for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an
additional sheet if necessary.)

Title: Bad Day Fishing
Contributed by: TamyPooh
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes

Jack had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four
large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell Daniel that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because Daniel came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should
tell you to take orange roughy. He prefers that for supper tonight."

Title: Philosophy
Contributed by: TamyPooh
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not
exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.
Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. Daniel, however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
Daniel's answer consisted of two words:
"What chair?"

Title: How many entities does it take to?
Contributed by: Pheonix11
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes, Funny Pictures


Title: Jack's Gift
Contributed by: Tamy
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes

What should you give Jack, when he has everything?
Daniel. To show him how to work it.

Title: Hammond's Virus Alert
Contributed by: Tamy
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes

To: Jack.uh. Colonel O'Neill
From: General Hammond
Subject: New Virus.
Jack,
you may want to ask Major Carter to check on this one.
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus
called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of
Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it . so be warned. The virus
appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960!
Symptoms of the Senile Virus:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.
Remember???????????
I don't remember if I sent this one out.
I don't think I did.or did you send it to me??
General G Hammond

Title: Three Old Pilots
Contributed by: Debi C
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes


Title: Jack O'Neill's Rules of Gunfighting
Contributed by: Debi C
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes


Title: The Dog Planet
Contributed by: Tamy Pooh
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes

The Stargate went KaWhoosh! and the 4 intrepid travelers passed through the event horizon. Witha KaThunk! it closed behind them on the new planet.
Jack smiled down happily. Now, *this* was a good place. These people loved, adored and pampered their dog population. All the dogs were well behaved. They even had special areas of the restaurants on this planet "drool" and "non-drooling". Jack was in his element.
They met the inhabitants, who took them to a grand buffet hall. Food was laid out, water and drink were plentiful. They had sent through food to be tested first, so they could eat and drink all they wanted. Negotiations were going quiet well, when Jack felt a Sudden Urge. Quietly he leaned over to whisper to Daniel.
Daniel shook his head.
So, he whispered to Sam, who nodded and pointed down a hall. Excusing himself, Jack got up and wound his way through humans and dogs. With a sigh, he got to the hallway. Standing in front of 2 doors, he looked confused. Started for one. Stopped. Started to the other. Stopped. He looked around, getting a desperate gleam in his eyes. Finally, he spotted one of the people who met them at the gate and signaled them over.
Pointing at the door, he queried "I went looking for a rest room and found these two doors with pictures of dogs on them. I am completely baffled, so can you help me? I have to admit that I can't tell the difference between the male dog and the female dog."
"That's not the idea," the man smiled and said.
"One dog is a pointer, and the other is a setter."
Jack just *knew* he would like this planet after all.
December 19, 2003



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