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Title: The Outdoor Life
Contributed by: Audrey
Category: SenWit Jokes

The Outdoor Life
You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you
again?"
"I am 78," Jim said.
"78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look
like a 60-year-old."
"Well, my husband and I made a pact when we got married that whenever he
got mad he would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go
outside for a walk to settle down," Jim explained.
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

Title: Dem Bones
Contributed by: Audrey
Category: SenWit Jokes

Jim and Blair were in the Chicago Museum of Natural History when they
were marveling at the dinosaur bones. Blair asked the guard,
"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months
old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says Blair. "How do you know
their age so precisely?"
The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years
old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years
ago."

Title: Because I'm Jim (complete)
Contributed by: tamy
Category: SenWit Jokes

Because I'm Jim, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
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Because I'm Jim, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
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Because I'm Jim, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You
never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
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Because I'm Jim, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
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Because I'm Jim, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm Jim, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
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Because I'm Jim, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger.
I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
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Because I'm Jim, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football. I have to
make up something else when you ask, so don't.
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Because I'm Jim, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
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Because I'm Jim, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are if you're crying at the end, I didn't.
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Because I'm Jim, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it -- looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I'm Jim, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
*This has been a public service message for Blair, to better understand Jim.*



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