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Title: The Costume Party
Contributed by: Tamy
Category: SG1 Jokes

The Costume Party
Daniel was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea.
When Jack answered the door, he found Daniel standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked Jack.
"A premature ejaculation," said Daniel. "I just came in my pants!"

Title: Caeser
Contributed by: Tamy
Category: SG1 Jokes

Jack and Daniel were watching a history of Caesar on TV one night. Jack got up and went into the kitchen. Returning, he handed Daniel a potato.
Daniel takes the potato. Looking at it, he asked Jack what it was for.
Jack says, "So you can be just like Caesar."
Daniel just stared at Jack. Jack reached down, grabbing Daniel's sweatpants, he dropped the potato into them and says, "Now, you are a dick tater!"

Title: The Bar
Contributed by: Tamy
Category: SG1 Jokes

The Bar
Jack was sitting at a bar, when Daniel came sauntering in. Jack waited until this good looking guy sat down next to him. Turning to Daniel, he says, "Wanna go back to my place?"
"Why?" Daniel asks, "Do you have cable?"
"No," replies Jack, "But I do have some rope. Will that do?"

Title: Daniel's Allergies
Contributed by: Tamy
Category: SG1 Jokes

Daniel's Allergies
Well, Jack was finally getting ready to do it to Daniel. For the first time.
Daniel, of course, had an allergy attack.
Jack looks up at Daniel with a BIG grin on his face.
Daniel asks Jack what he is smiling about?
Jack says, "What do you say to a virgin when he sneezes?"
Daniel shook his head - no idea.
Jack got his. In the end.

Title: Morals
Contributed by: TamyPooh
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes

Cassie Frasier's teacher gave her class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Cassie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am! Colonel Jack told me this story about my Mom Sam. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete.
So she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the Hell away from Mom Sam when she's been drinking."

Title: The In Laws
Contributed by: Tamy Pooh
Category: SG1 Jokes

Daniel's future father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to
support Paul. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

Title: love (weirdness #1)
Contributed by: akire
Category: SG1 Jokes, Funny Pictures

Title: Princess (weirdness #2)
Contributed by: akire
Category: SG1 Jokes, Funny Pictures

Title: sunglass (Weirdness #3)
Contributed by: akire
Category: SG1 Jokes, Funny Pictures

Title: Together
Contributed by: akire
Category: SG1 Jokes, Funny Pictures

Title: Waist (weirdness #4?)
Contributed by: akire
Category: SG1 Jokes, Funny Pictures

Title: Where's Wally
Contributed by: akire
Category: SG1 Jokes, Funny Pictures

Title: Bad Day Fishing
Contributed by: TamyPooh
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes

Jack had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four
large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell Daniel that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because Daniel came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should
tell you to take orange roughy. He prefers that for supper tonight."

Title: Philosophy
Contributed by: TamyPooh
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.
Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. Daniel, however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
Daniel's answer consisted of two words:
"What chair?"

Title: How many entities does it take to?
Contributed by: Pheonix11
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes, Funny Pictures

Title: Because I'm Jack
Contributed by: Tamy
Category: SG1 Jokes

Because I'm Jack, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm Jack, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm Jack, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You
never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm Jack, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm Jack, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm Jack, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm Jack, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger.
I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
Because I'm Jack, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football. I have to
make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm Jack, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm Jack, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are if you're crying at the end, I didn't.
Because I'm Jack, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it -- looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm Jack, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
*This has been a public service message for Daniel, to better understand Jack.*

Title: Jack's Gift
Contributed by: Tamy
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes

What should you give Jack, when he has everything?
Daniel. To show him how to work it.

Title: Hammond's Virus Alert
Contributed by: Tamy
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes

To: Jack.uh. Colonel O'Neill
From: General Hammond
Subject: New Virus.
you may want to ask Major Carter to check on this one.
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus
called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of
Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it . so be warned. The virus
appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960!
Symptoms of the Senile Virus:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.
I don't remember if I sent this one out.
I don't think I did.or did you send it to me??
General G Hammond

Title: Three Old Pilots
Contributed by: Debi C
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes

Title: Jack O'Neill's Rules of Gunfighting
Contributed by: Debi C
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes

Title: Base Pest Control
Contributed by: Felar
Category: SG1 Jokes

Base Pest Control
Daniel, a civilian Anthropologist, was having a passionate affair with a cocky Air-force Colonel named Jack.
One afternoon they were carrying on in a supply closet just outside the briefing room.
When the General of the base happened to walk by and heard suspicious noises coming out of the small room.
Upon opening the closet the General found the two men stark naked.
"Ah hello Hammond, Sir,” Daniel said to the General while nudging his lover into noticing their interruption.
"Jack!. Daniel!. May I ask What the HELL is going on here???”
"General Hammond, It's really quite simple. You see Daniel heard rumors of a massive moth infestation on this level.
With his help we narrowed down the possible center of the assault to this very room.”
"And why are you two out of uniform?" the General asked.
Jack and Daniel looked down at themselves blankly and then Daniel said,
"Those little bastards."

Title: The Dog Planet
Contributed by: Tamy Pooh
Category: SG1 Jokes, Fairly Clean Jokes

The Stargate went KaWhoosh! and the 4 intrepid travelers passed through the event horizon. Witha KaThunk! it closed behind them on the new planet.
Jack smiled down happily. Now, *this* was a good place. These people loved, adored and pampered their dog population. All the dogs were well behaved. They even had special areas of the restaurants on this planet "drool" and "non-drooling". Jack was in his element.
They met the inhabitants, who took them to a grand buffet hall. Food was laid out, water and drink were plentiful. They had sent through food to be tested first, so they could eat and drink all they wanted. Negotiations were going quiet well, when Jack felt a Sudden Urge. Quietly he leaned over to whisper to Daniel.
Daniel shook his head.
So, he whispered to Sam, who nodded and pointed down a hall. Excusing himself, Jack got up and wound his way through humans and dogs. With a sigh, he got to the hallway. Standing in front of 2 doors, he looked confused. Started for one. Stopped. Started to the other. Stopped. He looked around, getting a desperate gleam in his eyes. Finally, he spotted one of the people who met them at the gate and signaled them over.
Pointing at the door, he queried "I went looking for a rest room and found these two doors with pictures of dogs on them. I am completely baffled, so can you help me? I have to admit that I can't tell the difference between the male dog and the female dog."
"That's not the idea," the man smiled and said.
"One dog is a pointer, and the other is a setter."
Jack just *knew* he would like this planet after all.
December 19, 2003

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